Thursday, September 30, 2010

Most people wax because it makes sex better. And even if you aren't having it, it's good to be prepared. So when your man goes out of town, isn't it fun to send him sexy messages to make him more anxious to get back to you? Well, what about sexy pics of your freshly waxed beave? Only problem for some of us is that after gaining 50 pounds several times and pushing a watermelon through the vag, the lips ain't quite as pretty as they once were. They get a little stretched out and flappy looking. So us mom's need to be a little more creative with our picture taking. As per my suggestion, one of my ladies tried taking pics to send to her man via text. She was very frustrated, however, when she looked at how they turned out. She said they looked like floppy elephant ears and was so mortified she couldn't send them. In my opinion, your man would have accepted and enjoyed a photo of your lips no matter what they look like, elephant or not.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

OK ladies, listen up. If you are a regular shaver who is planning to go someplace nice and warm on vacation and want to try waxing, you need to grow your hair longer. I tell women on a daily basis that I need a minimum of 2 weeks growth since your last shave. Eight to ten days is just not long enough. And actually, if you shave every day, then I want your hair even longer. How about 3-4 weeks? Your hair grows on a daily basis and unless you give me a respectable bush, it will not last in Bora Bora for ten days. I know that 3 weeks can be hard to stomach for some of you but remember how awesome vacation sex can be. It's worth it.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

There is a new series on Showtime about a woman with terminal cancer that is actually quite funny. There is an episode where she decides to stray from her "natural" look and be reckless by getting a Brazilian. They show her making funny noises and faces on the table. They even show her in the one legged happy baby position that I am so personally fond of. After she gets it, she tells her brother, who is deliberately homeless to make statements about the environment, that she is so excited about her new look that she really wants to show someone. Later in the episode, the camera shows her sitting in front of her class while they appear to be taking an exam. She nonchalantly slips off her panties, turns towards the door where this hot guy is painting a mural in the hall, and spreads her legs so he can get a peek.

After class, they end up doing it on the desk.

Monday, September 27, 2010

A couple was discussing the fall clean-up that they needed to do in their yard, such as removing some of the flower beds and trimming back the bushes. It was the mention of the bushes that provoked the man to tell his wife that her bush need some serious clean-up as well.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Whenever you decide to stop shaving so you can get a wax, I ask that you grow your hair for at least two weeks.

Three women came together for Brazilians. They are preparing their bikini lines for a tropical vacation in December, so the plan is to get 3-4 waxes before the trip. While they were in the room taking turns getting waxed, one of them mentioned "D" day. I asked them what that referred to. They said that was what they called the last day they were allowed to shave.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

A woman went to her high school reunion. I imagine it was around her 20Th. There was an eligible man that she started flirting with. She asked him if he preferred hard wood or floor mats. Since she is a client of mine, you know what answer she was hoping for.

Friday, September 24, 2010

A girl skipped her class to come get a wax because her boyfriend told her that her hair was starting to tickle. Can't have that.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Ever hear of the expression "F.U.P.A.?" Someone used that acronym at the salon and I had never heard of it before. Guess it stands for Fat Upper Pussy Area. Always learning...

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

New girl came in for a wax before heading to Jamaica for her first ever all inclusive vacation with her boyfriend of 4 years. I asked her if she expected a proposal. She said that he better not, because she knows he won't get it right. She is convinced that the ring will not fit and she'll lose it.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Supposed to be an Indian Summer kind of day today. You know you can't have a hairy snatch on a sunny day. Call me.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Don't you think the v-j-jay is a playful way to refer to your vagina?

Sunday, September 19, 2010

This is too good not to share.

A single woman in her forties that has been a regular at Mark & M.E. for nearly a decade found out a few months ago that one of her best friends had terminal cancer. Within a few weeks she made reservations to fly down South to see her, but the friend died a few days before this woman was scheduled to arrive. She flew down anyways to help the husband with the arrangements. This was the 2ND wife this fifty three year old man had buried as a result of cancer. When my client arrived at their home, she found out that her girlfriend had left her a gift. She had written her husband and my client letters. The letters said that she wanted to give her friend and her husband to one another. She loved her husband and she loved her friend and didn't want to see either one of them alone and believed they could be very happy together.

My client is moving today.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

A lady was complaining about the fact that we even have pubic and rectal hair. Well, I have a theory. Back in cave man days, the folks didn't wear underwear. They'd squat down by the fire or to gather berries and the hair was there to protect their precious parts. OK, so then why do we still have hair down there since we have evolved into such sophisticated creatures who aren't squatting by fires bare assed? It's obvious to me. So Mary Elizabeth can have something to do.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Quote of the week (so far). As I am applying the wax to a woman's labia she said... "this feels like it's not going to feel very good."

Thursday, September 16, 2010

About a year or two ago my husband saw an ad in one of our professional magazines for a product to help numb the skin before you wax. He had been talking about creating a product like this for years because waxing can hurt and, in this day and age, it does seem a little barbaric to put ourselves through the torture. Well, although I am sorry that Mark didn't patent a creme so that we could possibly retire at a younger age, he did discover one that we could sell to those of you who need a little help. It is called "no scream cream."

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

A girl came in for a Brazilian. It was her second time. In most cases, the second time is easier and less painful so it allows me to ramble about whatever crazy stuff is in my mind at that moment. Anyways, I asked her what her fiance thought about the whole "bald thing." She told me that the only thing he was capable of saying was ....."wow."

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Don't let the whole wax process intimidate you. It's like having a baby. It worth it when it's over.

Monday, September 13, 2010

It's more fun when they can find it.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

I woke up this morning thinking that this whole "hose down your hoo-ha" thing was kind of negative. Believe me, it's an appropriate title, but I am not a negative person. In fact, I tend to be a really happy, vivacious kind of lady, so I think I have an idea. I don't know if it's my years of being an elementary school teacher or due to the fact that I have always loved making up rhymes and songs for my kids, but I love catchy phrases that rhyme. Since the whole point of a Brazilian is to make a woman feel more confident about her body and hopefully encourage more fulfilling sexual experiences, I am thinking about referring to my manuscript as "The Happy Hoo-Ha."

Saturday, September 11, 2010

We accept last minute calls for appointments as well as walk in's because I am able to wax so quickly. So when one of my regulars called yesterday to come in at 4, we were happy to accomodate her.
Earlier that day, she told me she had taken a nap. When she woke up, her fiance asked her if she wanted to go to the gym. She said she'd love to. While she was getting ready, he told her that he trimmed the hedges while she was sleeping. The lawn reference reminded her that she needed a wax so she told him she couldn't go to the gym because she needed to trim her hedges as well.

Friday, September 10, 2010

"Roll on your right and lift your left cheek." I say this dozens of times every day. Probably 1/3 of my ladies roll on their left. It's understandable though. Even if you don't have directional confusion, I am convinced that all the blood goes between the legs and away from the brain for a few minutes. One lady that rolled onto her right and lifted her cheek said "this just ain't right." Yea, I admit that it's pretty messed up.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

I don't call you and tell you to make an appointment with me. Not only do you make the call, you drive yourself to Mt. Hope Ave and voluntarily walk into the salon to see me. So why do you put your foot against my back and try to push me away, close your legs while I am applying the wax to make everything even messier and stickier, or try to cover your parts with your clothes? Fighting me does not help. It makes the service take so much longer and the more you fight me, the greater your risk of bruising and irritating your skin. I am really fast and really thorough. Play by the rules.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

I know that the monthly expense of a wax can be trying sometimes, but have you ever thought about asking your man to contribute? You'd be surprised how fast he reaches into his back pocket.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Thank God my husband is a confident man, because his wife spends an awful lot of time obsessing over pussies.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Silicone boobs. A snatch as smooth as silicone. All good.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

I was sitting by a public pool noticing all the rashy bikini lines on women who obviously don't know about the the numerous perks of waxing. Thank goodness I am out of town or I may have felt compelled to start handing my business cards out. I'm sorry but diaper rash bikini lines is not attractive.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Stayed at a hotel last night that had the best apparatus for cleaning your cootch. A hose with a powerful shower head that was perfect for power washing all of a woman's cracks and crevices. May need to install one of these bad boys at Mark & M.E.

Friday, September 3, 2010

A boyfriend told his girl "I'm so happy you started waxing, because when you used to shave it, I'd get soft."

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Thank you to all of the women who share my blog with their men. Yesterday a woman told me she started reading it to her husband, and he actually now reads it himself. It's great to hear of couples having conversations about pussies. Better communication means better sex. And I also hope that all this networking will help me find a literary agent. Remember, I have an 11 chapter book all about pussies just waiting to be published...

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

When a girl told me she didn't need a wax because she didn't have a boyfriend, my response was simple. It's like wearing clean underwear in case you're in an accident. You should always be prepared.