Sometimes hairy can be really scary.

One of my clients couldn't afford to get waxed so she started shaving about a year ago. Then she began having a problem with ingrown hairs. There were two areas on the bikini line where the ingrown hairs had gotten swollen and painful. When she went to her gynecologist to have them looked at, he immediately sent her to the emergency room. Her ingrown hairs had developed into abscesses and the infection was so bad that it traveled throughout her body. They had to lance the areas to remove the hairs and some of the infection. She had to stay in the hospital overnight and get a strong dosage of IV antibiotics administered to her in order to kill the infection. After she left the hospital, she was put on antibiotics four times a day to make sure the infection was cleared. She has decided that she will figure out a way to pay for waxing since it now appears to be a medical necessity.

I told you shaving was evil.

And what do you call a person who waxes Brazilians for a living?

Today I was called a pussy ripper.

And if you have to cheat on me, remember to ask the salon how long it takes. Anything longer than 20 minutes, run for the hills.

I understand that when you move out of town , you have to cheat on me.

Yesterday a girl called to tell us about her experience at another salon. The technician used small strips (like the one's we use for your upper lip or brow) which makes the service take a million times longer. And, believe me, you want this over as quickly as possible. But the funny part is that the technician made her hold a Popsicle stick over the opening of her cootch.

Now that's just fucked up.

There are bowls of candy around the salon to reward you when you behave and don't kick me in the head or fart in my face. It is also there to keep your children amused or to bribe them to behave while you are getting your wax. Finally, the sugar in candy can help when you feel light headed from the pain. Chewing on candy during the actual Brazilian service, however, is not recommended. Under the right circumstance, hard candy, even for adults, can be a chokable.

There is always a slight possibility of passing out.

So don't forget to breathe.

There is an old song that I think Tom Jones sang and it starts out with the phrase "pussy cat, pussy cat, I love you..."

A young girl walks into the room to get waxed and as she starts to undress, that song begins to play. She starts laughing hysterically and commented that it was quite an appropriate song to be playing while she got her pussy waxed.

Did you ever see the movie "Home Alone" when the kid puts the after shave on his face and screams because it burns? That's what happens when you don't pay attention and use the hand sanitizer that I leave on the clean up station on your cootch instead of your hands.

If my man couldn't get it up even with the little blue pill......I'd get a new man.

A client told me "you better not put anything about my fat ass in your blog!"

Whoops. I just did.

If you want to be part of the "clean cootchie club" you need to get it done every 4-6 weeks.

Had a woman in today who wanted to stretch it out closer to her vacation.

Ten weeks is too long.

I only do Brazilians on women. Men can have some dense hair that is a bitch to pull out. Besides, the scrotum is too thin and it tends to tear. Enough said.

After all these years, I have become very tolerant of gross stuff. In fact, I sometimes feel like a doctor with the weird things I have seen and amateurishly diagnosed.

So another occupational hazard is the whole menstrual cycle. Twice this week, I had women get their period while they were in the table. Don't feel bad, just another thing I have learned to shrug off.

Listen up ladies. If you have never had a Brazilian, I have to warn you that it isn't like getting a back rub. The feeling can range from slightly uncomfortable to fucking excruciating. Regardless of how it feels and how well you tolerate pain, stop fighting me! I am tired of you closing your legs, covering your parts with your hand when its covered in wax, and pushing your leg against my torso hoping I'll just go away or fall over. Once you've made the decision to get it done, suck it up. Be cooperative and stop whining. No matter how hard you resist, I will finish the service. And, believe me, the less you fight me, the quicker it's over.

A girl came in today with hair from hell. It was coarse, thick, dense. Reminded me of a Brillo pad. It was a total bitch trying to get the hair off her lips. The wax just seemed to sit on top of the hair and laugh at me. It wasn't budging. The hot wax was just soaking up the hair and not even remotely making contact with the skin so I could pull it effectively from the roots. With a lot of perseverance and a fair amount of swear words, however, I finally got her bald.
It was then that I did a little happy dance and told her I was feeling cocky because I won the battle with her pubes. She thought that was an appropriate adjective to accompany a Brazilian. I would have to agree.

OK, this is the deal. Naked bodies, no matter what the shape, size...whatever.... don't scare me. My goal is to make everyone bald as a newborn. It really is a good thing....better sex....better hygiene. I have 2 college students that have been coming to me for a couple years. They always come into the room together. I try as hard as I can to make each client feel as comfortable as possible when they come in for a Brazilian. I know it can be weird getting undressed from the waist down and laying down in front of me as I proceed to put hot wax on your genitalia and then rip it off like some sadistic bitch. In my opinion, we basically all have the same parts and I try to give it as little thought as possible to the actual body part I am focusing on. Anyways, these college girls made an insightful observation. The service is uncomfortable only if you make it that way. I'm not uncomfortable with your hairy naked body, so you shouldn't be.

A gentleman friend of mine told me he was kind of happy that his girlfriend lived out of town because he could take a break from grooming his member. He finds shaving a pain and when it grows in, it tends to itch like crazy. So even though he misses her, he is enjoying the break from manicuring his manhood.

Shaving does lead to break outs, rash, ingrown hairs, and even pain. This is why we have dedicated ourselves to this whole waxing thing. Shaving is evil.

Two college aged girls came together for a wax. I was really busy so I said, "let's go, get naked, hop on the table." The one girl called me bossy. I have a no-nonsense approach to this whole Brazilian thing and I hate dilly dallying. This is definitely not a service I want to leisurely perform. She had been to the salon before, but it was her first time with me. I told her, "Look. Vagina on. Vagina off. This is something I'd rather not linger over."
In less than ten minutes, they were both completely bald.
As I was leaving the room, they professed their devotion to me. Being bossy isn't being mean. It is how I show I care.

There are millions of women going through the barbaric service of waxing their entire hoo-ha for their men. Ok guys, take a look in the mirror. We want you to groom as well. But we do have some rules. You need to keep up with it. If you shave to the skin, do it daily. A five o'clock shadow doesn't feel good between our legs whether it's coming from your face or your junk. And if you take a clipper to it, don't go too short, because that pisses off our skin as well. We want smooth faces & smooth private places. Lesson over.

A woman came in today who was really unsure about whether or not I was honestly comfortable waxing someone when she has her period. So when I approached her in the waiting area, she asked me if I was really OK with it being corked. Took me a second to figure out what she was referring to, and then I laughed because I loved the expression and I had never heard it before.

Believe me, sometimes it is more hygienic when it is plugged up. So, yes, I am OK if you have a cork in it.

You think I'm jacked from weight lifting? No. That ain't it.

Try ripping out massive amounts of dense pubic hair in one big swipe. That'll do it.

So a girl hops on the table and starts giggling even before I touched her. Laughing is a common response when a woman is nervous about getting a wax. Her laughter was so infectious that it was hard not to laugh with her. I asked her if she laughed like that during sex.

Her reply, "only if his penis is small."

Ever wonder why I ask you to hold your leg while I wax your lips?

Because I am tired of getting kicked in the head!

A lady calls and says she didn't know if she should cancel her appointment because she had just gotten her period. My husband told her to put a fresh tampon in when she got to the shop and I'd be happy to do her.
When she started undressing, she asked me if I knew she had called. I hadn't. Women call all the time wondering if I can wax them during their cycle. I told her as long as she was plugged up, we were good.
So she undressed, hopped up on the table, and told me that she never wore tampons.

It shouldn't surprise anyone that a lot of swearing goes on during a wax service. Some of the sweetest, most conservative women can swear like truck drivers. Women even swear in other languages. That always makes me laugh. Many women apologize because they get embarrassed when they scream obscenities, but I always try to reassure them that it is very common and doesn't bother me at all. I even read a blurb in a magazine that said swearing can help you cope with pain better. So swear away, my virgin ears can take it.
And, for the record, fuck is the number one swear word that I hear when I wax someone.

There's a really long chapter in my book about hygiene. It's called "what's that smell?" When you are dealing with genitalia, it's vital that the area you are working on is clean. Therefore, if I am waxing your backside and I pull the strip off and there is brown residue all over the strip, you seriously do not understand how to properly cleanse yourself prior to a wax. Bowel movements and Brazilians should be two totally distinctive, unrelated events. Get it?