Possible resolution. Wax your womanhood.

Everyone thinks they have the hairiest hoo-ha.

I watched the sun rise this morning. I like things that rise.

The bikini area is a delicate and complicated part of the body. The skin is prone to bumps and ingrown hairs which can be painful and unattractive. Although we believe that waxing is the best means of making the puss as pretty as possible, it's not a perfect system. Currently, we recommend some products that are quite effective in clearing the bumps and ingrown hairs. It appears there are salons, however, that have another approach to dealing with an unsightly bikini area. A facial for the hoo-ha. Now this could be interesting.

A forty minute underarm wax? What is wrong with these people?

Hope all my girls got kissed under the mistletoe on the appropriate set of lips.

The puss is the perfect Christmas gift.

Biggest nightmare wax story to date. I met a normal sized woman with a small, no big deal bush that told me she went somewhere and after 2 HOURS, the girl hadn't even started on the labia. She asked the technician to stop and she left the salon blistered and in agony. Oh yea, and the girl charged her.

How about powdered sugar on the puss?

One of the main objectives to getting a Brazilian is to encourage more creative and fulfilling sex. So to expound on yesterday's blog and to keep the creative notion of sex in mind, I'd like to suggest another innovative cookie idea. Let's try drizzling "caramel on your cooter."

One of my favorite hobbies is cooking. In fact, I wrote a cookbook about 10 years ago, printed copies myself, and sold them at the shop. But even though I love to cook, I hate to bake. So this Christmas season, instead of indulging on fattening cookies, let's be creative with our holiday treats. How about trying one of my favorite desserts? "Sprinkles on the Snatch."

We also like goatee's on men. On a woman, we call a goatee a Brazini. This is an acceptable look.

Some men like to grow beards in the winter. I personally like a beard that is well groomed. It can look sexy on a man. What I don't think is sexy is the number of times I have heard about a man who is growing his beard asking why his woman is growing hers as well.

I have a client who used to get Brazilians on a regular basis, but she decided a couple years ago that she couldn't take the pain and switched to bikini waxes. In the past year, she has fallen in love and moved in with her boyfriend. A few months ago, for his birthday, she decided to suck it up and get a Brazilian again as a gift for her man. When she came in yesterday, I asked her if she wanted to do the whole thing since it was Christmas. I did a pretty good job convincing her that getting the whole thing waxed twice a year was the least she could do for him. Her response....."I wish his birthday was in December."

Sometimes you hoo-hoo says boo-hoo.

OK ladies, listen up. We really don't mind if you have your period as long as you have a clean, fresh tampon in. A soiled, brown string from a nasty bowel movement does not constitute a clean, fresh tampon.

I love when women giggle through the entire service.

I forgot the best part of the story from yesterday. My girl had to get on her hands and knees. That's a comfortable position to get into in front of a stranger. Not.

A lot of salons are doing Brazilians these days and it still blows my mind what people are willing to pay and how long they are willing to lay on the table. Last week I heard about another 45 minute Brazilian nightmare wax that left the girl sore & swollen, still a little hairy, and extremely frustrated. Oh yea, and she paid $40 more than I charge. For those of you who haven't had a wax with us and think 45 minutes is normal, then you either don't know it can be done more efficiently, have sadistic tendencies, or really enjoy being naked with another woman. The last option is fine except I can think of a lot more fun things to do naked.

On this wintry Sunday morning, is your man sifting through a forest to enjoy your lady parts or is he is slip, sliding away with comfort and ease to the promise land?

You know what your man really wants for Christmas? A hot & hairfree hoo-ha...a beautifully bald beave...a smooth as silk snatch...a pristine pussy...a luscious lady zone...I think you get my point.

Call me! 585-473-7360

Fuck is a very popular word at Mark & M.E. In fact, it is probably the most common expletive said in our salon. The other day, a woman must have said the word a dozen times and then followed up with an apology. For the record, there is no reason to apologize. I am putting hot wax between your legs and ripping out your precious pubes with a big smile on my face as you squirm in pain. I get the swearing thing. As I was half way through this particular woman's service, she upgraded her swearing to mother fucker. My reply, awwwww.....now fuck has a mommy.

You tend to be more sensitive when you are ovulating. Great time to make a baby. Not so great time to get ripped.

One of the clients that explained the dicky-do phrase to me came in on Saturday with a birthday card. (my birthday is in may but the card was perfect) The card depicts a man with a huge belly walking a wiener dog on a leash. She wrote dicky-do on the front of the card with an arrow to his belly. Inside, the card read "You're not old till you look down and can barely see your wiener."

For those of you who have been following my blog for awhile, you may remember that I had never heard of the F.U.P.A. expression before. Well, now I have been introduced to another expression. Dicky-do. From what I understand, dicky-do refers to a man who has such a big belly that he cannot see his penis. This reinforces one of the many things I was thankful for over the Thanksgiving weekend. Be thankful if you can find it. You'd hate to have a dicky-do.

There is always the ongoing question whether or not a woman should leave her socks on when she takes her pants off. Many women feel very awkward leaving their socks on while they get waxed. It is kind of like leaving them on during sex. For others, especially at this time of the year, it feels a lot more comfortable to keep the piggies covered. And I do have a few women who take their socks half way off. They actually expose their heel and that is what makes them the most comfortable in front of me. Believe me, when your snatch is in my face, I ain't looking at your feet.

I had another urine concern this week. A woman didn't want to do a full Brazilian because someone told her that removing all of the labia hair will cause your urine to go all over the place. Again, this really doesn't make sense to me. I like to concentrate on how much cleaner it is to go the bathroom without all of that nasty pubic hair in the way.

Someone told me that ever since I waxed her the first time, her pee comes out sideways. I know that I have some strange and interesting talents, but changing the direction of your urethra isn't one of them.

Pubic hair does not keep you warm in the winter, so hurry up and bring your hairy hoo-ha's in to see me.

A woman came in for her first wax and was embarrassed by the amount of hair she had. She told me I'd have to deal with all the buckwheat between her legs. Thought that was an interesting analogy.

The more I got thinking about the Vietnam reference from yesterday, the more bizarre it seemed to me. If you are going to compare your cooter to another country, how about Egypt? There are pyramids in Egypt. They are in the shape of triangles. Comparing your parts to the size or shape of a pyramid...now that makes sense.

There are so many references to an overgrown pussy looking like a jungle or the Amazon, but when a woman said her hairy puss looked like Vietnam, that was a first.

Remember the incredible sexual energy you had as a teen? I think December should be the month where we all rediscover that insatiable lust that used to live in our loins. Can't think of a better way to combat the stress of the holidays.

One final thought of gratitude on this Thanksgiving weekend. Be thankful if you don't have any creepy critters carousing in your cooter.

You should also be thankful if you can find your parts.

Be thankful if your parts still work.

One of the things I am thankful for this Thanksgiving Day is for all the cooters that I get to coif every week. I love my job and all the ladies that fill my days.

People make appointments for different reasons. Some people just make a standing 4-6 week appointment, because it is easier for both of us when you are on a regular schedule. Others will come in for a special occasion or a date. A woman told me she was mocking out her boyfriend because he had grey hair in his goatee. Yesterday morning she noticed grey in her own goatee. She called for an appointment.

Don't you want to be finger licking good?

Going green has absolutely nothing to do with leaving your lady in its natural state.

A woman accused me of giving her a pimple because she was so anxious about getting a wax. And it wasn't her first time. I'm used to people telling me how radiant their skin is from all the extra sex they are having not how pimply I make them from their anxiety about the service.

If you have always had some hair on your hoo-ha, the sensation of being bald can be very strange. It can be extremely funny the way women describe this new found freedom that I have given them. One woman told me she felt very exposed and cold after I made her bald. In fact, she said that she wanted to go out and buy a hat and scarf to protect her girl and keep her warm.

Someone who has never met me asked one of my regular clients how a woman with a nun's name (you know...mary elizabeth) could do this for a living. She told her she didn't know. All she knew was that I was perfect for the job.

I told you I am doing God's work.

Sometimes it is the smallest comments that make my day and give me ideas for a blog. Yesterday a woman came in for a wax. It was only her second time. When I asked her how her man responded to it she said, "He couldn't keep his nose out of it. I mean, literally, he couldn't keep his nose out of it."

Let's talk about gray pubic hair for a minute. Nothing makes you feel older than seeing the color gray between your legs. We have two ways to combat this problem at Mark & M.E. First, my husband would be happy to mix you up some hair color, put it in a Dixie cup and send it home with you. Or, secondly, you can have me rip those fuckers from the root and throw them out!

You'd think after all these years of waxing thousands of pusses that I'd be bored with it and would need to find something else in this business to amuse me. But I'm not. I think it is like the whole snowflake thing; no two are exactly alike.

Next week is Thanksgiving. Give him something to be truly thankful for by trimming your turkey the Mark & M.E. way. Bald.

When someone tells a wax technician they have new hardware, it means a whole different thing.

Please stop apologizing. I'm the one hurting you.

A newlywed told me her husband wanted her to keep a triangle in the front when she got her Brazilian. We call this a Brazini at Mark & M.E. It never matters to me whether or not I leave hair in the front, so I gave her a cute little triangle that I know he'll adore. She said she was happy doing whatever he requested since he was the king of her jungle.

During a wax, a woman mentions that she just went through a divorce. When asked how things were going, she said it was "less painful than this."

Check your bush. I'm back tomorrow.

Last week, the contestants on the Biggest Loser trained with the Marines. One of the players was moaning for God's help. (sound familiar?) The marine told her that God wasn't going to help her. Their exchange made me laugh.

I think I should have been a Marine.

One of my clients was getting a pedicure at a discount salon that offered Brazilians, so she decided to get one while she was there. The room was sketchy and the sheets on the bed were filthy. The woman took a long time, didn't get all of the hair, and the next day her skin was rashy and irritated. Hair was left randomly all over the bikini area and our favorite parts weren't even remotely addressed. My client referred to her experience as a "back alley abortion Brazilian."

When you're a kid, you dream about doing all sorts of things when you grow up. When I was young, I had only been exposed to chain hair cutting places like Super Cuts. In the 70's, it was called Cut & Curl. I didn't know anything about salons or spas and I certainly had never heard of waxing. If it hadn't been for marrying a hairdresser, I doubt I would have ever discovered this profession. So this morning I was thinking about what kind of person would dream to do what I do for a living? You'd think a fairly angry and sadistic person since I inflict pain on women with abrupt movements with a big smile on my face. But, the truth is that I don't have an angry, mean or sadistic bone in my body. That led me to the realization that women will do whatever is necessary to achieve a particular goal such as pushing an eight pound baby through her cervix with no meds. When a woman waxes, her goal may be to eliminate razor bumps or improve her sex life. My profession allows me to be the facilitator that helps a woman achieve that goal. So, in a way, I'm like Mother Theresa.

I was talking to one of my relatives from out of town last night. He knows about my book and heard I had started a blog, but he had never read it. He thought the blog title was something like "cool down your hoo-ha." When I told him the real title, he started to laugh. He said he was much more interested in "heating up a hoo-ha" instead of cooling it down which is why he never looked at it. Gotta love family.

People have all sorts of phobias, snakes, spiders, germs. I can't say that I am really that afraid of anything that would label me phobic. I do find some things pretty offensive, like pubic hair for instance, but that has motivated my passion for my profession. There was a woman who told me she was sending her girlfriend in to see me. This friend can't stand hair and shaves everything. She calls her friend a hair-a-phobe. OK, so maybe I do fall into that category.

Skinny jeans have been a source of amusement at the salon lately. Not only do women look ridiculous trying to get their ankles out of the ends, I even had a girl fall over because she got tangled up and couldn't get her leg out. In many cases, it takes longer for a woman to undress who is wearing skinny jeans then it takes for me to wax her. Maybe sweat pants would be more appropriate on wax days. Anyways, I think your puss would appreciate some airspace after you see me. Putting your bald bush in bondage after a Brazilian...probably not the smartest move.

Dare to be bald.

This is my 200Th blog entry. I can't believe that this over taxed brain of mine could come up with that many amusing things to say. I have to give the credit to my clients, who continually provide me with the stories that make us laugh, cringe and want to puke.

So on this momentous occasion, I urge my regulars to continue with their antidotes and ridiculous behaviors that make every day special and the new folks to bring us fresh new energy to share with the world.

There are 2 signs in front of the salon. One says "Home of the 10 Minute Brazilian." The other says "10 Minute Brazilian." Both banners have a picture of a sexy pair of crossed legs on them. A husband made the comment that we would get a lot more business if the legs were open.

Dance naked.

You never know when the only dessert he wants....is you.

There have been all sorts of different ways that new clients have found me, but this week there was an original. A woman put an ad on Craigslist asking if anyone knew of a good Brazilian Wax Technician. One man offered to do it for free. Another offered to do it cheaply. But a third person told her about me. In this Internet age, I was totally psyched that not only would someone think to look for a Technician through Craigslist, but that one of my clients would reply by giving her my name. So this is definitely worth the verbal "most original way to find M.E." award!

For those of you who haven't met me, I am a fairly excitable person. Positive, happy and new things tend to excite me. I think I'm a child trapped in a 45 year old woman's body. So yesterday I had several new clients which is always fun. My first one drove to Rochester from Bristol, which is close to an hour away, so that was awesome in itself. She wasn't feeling the love for Mary Elizabeth as I was doing my thing though. I know the first time can be tough. She mentioned that she had seriously considered getting stoned before she came in to see me. This is my reminder to all you ladies out there that think pot will make it easier; it doesn't. It lowers your resistance and really makes you respond like a pussy.

When a client comes in and warns me that I have my work cut out for me, sometimes they aren't kidding. And when she says it looks like an Afro down there, I tend to expect the worse. But when she said her Afro was long enough to Corn Row, I was glad I took my vitamins that morning.

A newlywed told her husband that she had to run some errands and that she would be bald when she got home. His reply? "Thank God."

There are some silly rumors going around about the legalities of this Brazilian thing. I have been informed that some salons are saying that it is illegal to wax the labia. After 20 years in this business, I'd think I would know if it was against the law. In fact, after how many I have done, I'd probably be sentenced to life without parole. I was also told that some salons are saying that waxing the labia causes infection. As long as you have a clean & conscientious salon and you don't tear a woman's skin, then I wouldn't worry. My thought is that the technicians saying this aren't comfortable touching your junk. I'm all about it.

You know how the lighting is always better in the car? There are times when you look in the rear view mirror and see long, scary hairs coming out of your moles or strays under your eyebrows that you were certain you had gotten. This is why so many women keep tweezers in their cars, because the abundance of natural light shows it all.

So let's take this to the next level. One of my girls was driving with her man and he decided to start playing with her puss. So she whips out her junk only to realize that she was sporting quite the hairy bush. It seemed even more nasty with all that natural light shining on it. She told me that was when she called me. She has me on speed dial.

Comparing a Brazilian Wax to "rough sex" was a new one this week. Maybe if more women thought of it this way, they'd be more likely to come in on a regular basis. Everybody likes it rough once in awhile, don't they?

The wax room can be a very religious place. References to God, the Lord and Jesus are very common. But, I'm sorry to say, no matter how much you yell for the Almighty, I don't think he's going to be interested in helping out.

When your fiance asks you if you are sporting "the old fashioned look," it's time.

Saw women from Lester, Livonia, Hornel and Syracuse yesterday. I'm in Rochester. I am so flattered by the dedication that women from all over Western New York have towards the grooming of their genitalia. Just wanted to give an extra thank you to those who travel to see me.

Pregnant pubes need to be pretty too, you know.

Another client tried saving money and started to shave. Her razor burn got so bad that it turned into Folliculitis which is an infection of the hair follicles. That led to a doctor visit, medication and a lot of pain and discomfort. No money was saved.

A woman told me that she came to the realization of why the fat on our waist is called love handles. It occurred to her when her man was hanging on to her sides (which are like handles) as he was making love to her. What most men don't realize is that we don't like that area being grabbed because it reminds us that we have some extra weight on us. Furthermore, hanging onto to any fatty parts tend to make us so self conscious that we can't enjoy the experience. So, moral of the story, there is nothing Lovable about our love handles, so find a better place to hang onto.

Two women braved their first Brazilians together yesterday. The first one tried as hard as she could not to yell or show any kind of painful emotion, because she didn't want her friend to chicken out. The friend, however, was not enjoying her new wax experience at all. In fact, she didn't want me to finish. When I waxed her labia on her left side, I told her that her one lip was done. She then asked me if she had another one? It was then that her girlfriend lovingly advised her that she did in fact have two lips. We were all laughing at this point and although she wasn't sure she wanted me to finish, I was determined to prove to her that she could do it and that it was worth it. That was when the girl exclaimed, "I wish I only had one lip!"

They say Americans tend to have tight hamstrings from the sedentary jobs that so many people have. Believe me, this is something I have been aware of for years. So this blog is encouraging all my lady friends to stretch a little more. Not only will a flexible body help me get at your parts better, it can make your naughty nighttime activities much more interesting.

Yesterday I got a call from a former client of mine who moved to New Jersey a few month's ago. She finally got the nerve to get a Brazilian from someone other than me. She called me from the parking lot of the salon because she couldn't believe how long it took. It took an hour. She said she just had to tell me. During the service she kept looking up in disbelief at how long it was taking and the woman apologized that she was making her sweat and assured her it would be over soon. Not soon enough obviously. Although I feel bad that she had to endure such a long service that, in my mind, should be performed much more efficiently, it was very flattering to have her call me from another salon's parking lot to tell me she missed me. It's also kind of funny that a few years ago a different woman also called me from a salon parking lot in New Jersey to tell me a similar story. I think I could make a lot of money in Jersey.

"Slippery When Wet" is way more fun when the beave is bald.

I love to hear all of the plans and schemes that women have to show off their new look. Last week a woman was celebrating six years with her man and was going to force him to go down there whether he wanted to or not. She couldn't wait to see his expression and I can't wait to hear the rest of the story, which you know I will.

If your guy isn't interested in going Down Under to Taste the Forbidden Fruit, maybe a wax is just what the doctor ordered. If he still isn't interested after you get one, maybe you need another guy.

They say you will live longer if you laugh really hard at least once a day. Yesterday three young girls came to the salon. Only one girl was getting waxed. The other two were there for moral support. While she was on the table, one girl sat near her head, the other on the floor. We chatted the whole time. I told them stories. We laughed a lot. But when I had the girl roll on her side to do her butt, the other two girls were laughing so hard that the girl on the floor was actually rolling around.

At this rate, I should live to be 100.

There have been so many inquiries about my poor sleeping habits that I need to set the record straight on the timing of this blog thing. I normally blog between 6-8 in the morning. The times listed next to my daily entries must be Pacific Time even though I'm in New York. This morning, however, I am typing at 4:30 a.m. and it's the first time that I've blogged at this hour.

Two ladies came in together yesterday. They drove in from a small town near Corning. One of them was new to Mark & M.E. and was giving the gift of a Brazilian to her boyfriend for his birthday. But there was an added bonus. For the first time in my career, I had someone videotape the service. The friend had the camera zoomed in the whole time. I suggested they dub music to the service with a song such as "Hurt So Good" but the client wanted her man to hear her yelling and complaining about the pain. It ended up being only a four minute video, because that is how long it took me to complete the service, but I think he'll enjoy every minute of it.

One of my loyal followers came in on Tuesday and told me she had a blog for me. So here it is. She lives about 45 minutes from the salon so it isn't the most convenient place to get to. She told me that a few weeks ago she sent her husband grocery shopping. Now, for those of you who have husbands, you know that they always buy random items that aren't on your list. Well this particular husband spent a great deal of time in the beauty isle where he was excited to find a $9.00 Brazilian Wax kit. Although she appreciated his good intentions, she was pretty confident that anything $9.00 could not be a good thing. The wax was microwaveable, which is dangerous and I don't recommend. You'd hate to pull a Kardashian. It was a hard wax that had no strips which means it needs to harden before you pull it off. She said that not only was it a hot day, she was nervous and sweating so it wasn't hardening the way the instructions said. Needless to say, after an hour and a half, only the sides of her bikini line and a little of the top were successfully removed.

I'm worth the drive.

When your four year old asks what is hanging out of the sides of your thong panty, it's time.

I was telling my son that it blows my mind how many people read this blog on a regular basis. It's funny because I was never popular growing up. In fact, I didn't have many friends at all, so it has been so exciting to know that I have the ability to make people smile. I honestly never thought this would be such a hit, which is silly, I guess, since I'm talking about pussies. And what better topic to read about then pussies? But I need more followers to prove to a prospective agent that I'm interesting enough to read. Don't be scared to follow. It won't set you up for a mass of nasty porn sent to your email. And if it did, who knows? You may like it. Thanks for reading...for following...and for supporting my quest for the success of the "The Happy Hoo-Ha!"

We have babies...We get Brazilians...The weaker sex? Not.

Sometimes I really can't believe this is what I do for a living. I spread hot wax on every size, shape and color v-j-jay and rip it off like it's the enemy (which is kind of how I view pubic hair.) And every woman I touch provides me with a different thought that enriches my day whether it be funny, sad or insightful. So this Sunday morning I would like to send a shout out to all the patrons of Mark & M.E. I am loving every minute of making this town a happier place, one pussy at a time.

You have no problem spending money on mani's and pedi's but you're thinking twice about the expense of a wax? Priorities ladies.

I still can't believe how often I hear of other salon's taking up to an hour to perform a Brazilian. Someone needs to call the Pussy Police! Not only have we put a banner in front of our salon that says "Home of the 10 Minute Brazilian," we even have shirts that say "Bald in 5" because that is the average time it takes me to do one. I am trying to reinforce the absurdity of the hour service for those of you who do not live in Rochester or for those of you who just don't know any better. Another motto to remember....sixty is sadistic.

Most people wax because it makes sex better. And even if you aren't having it, it's good to be prepared. So when your man goes out of town, isn't it fun to send him sexy messages to make him more anxious to get back to you? Well, what about sexy pics of your freshly waxed beave? Only problem for some of us is that after gaining 50 pounds several times and pushing a watermelon through the vag, the lips ain't quite as pretty as they once were. They get a little stretched out and flappy looking. So us mom's need to be a little more creative with our picture taking. As per my suggestion, one of my ladies tried taking pics to send to her man via text. She was very frustrated, however, when she looked at how they turned out. She said they looked like floppy elephant ears and was so mortified she couldn't send them. In my opinion, your man would have accepted and enjoyed a photo of your lips no matter what they look like, elephant or not.

OK ladies, listen up. If you are a regular shaver who is planning to go someplace nice and warm on vacation and want to try waxing, you need to grow your hair longer. I tell women on a daily basis that I need a minimum of 2 weeks growth since your last shave. Eight to ten days is just not long enough. And actually, if you shave every day, then I want your hair even longer. How about 3-4 weeks? Your hair grows on a daily basis and unless you give me a respectable bush, it will not last in Bora Bora for ten days. I know that 3 weeks can be hard to stomach for some of you but remember how awesome vacation sex can be. It's worth it.

There is a new series on Showtime about a woman with terminal cancer that is actually quite funny. There is an episode where she decides to stray from her "natural" look and be reckless by getting a Brazilian. They show her making funny noises and faces on the table. They even show her in the one legged happy baby position that I am so personally fond of. After she gets it, she tells her brother, who is deliberately homeless to make statements about the environment, that she is so excited about her new look that she really wants to show someone. Later in the episode, the camera shows her sitting in front of her class while they appear to be taking an exam. She nonchalantly slips off her panties, turns towards the door where this hot guy is painting a mural in the hall, and spreads her legs so he can get a peek.

After class, they end up doing it on the desk.

A couple was discussing the fall clean-up that they needed to do in their yard, such as removing some of the flower beds and trimming back the bushes. It was the mention of the bushes that provoked the man to tell his wife that her bush need some serious clean-up as well.

Whenever you decide to stop shaving so you can get a wax, I ask that you grow your hair for at least two weeks.

Three women came together for Brazilians. They are preparing their bikini lines for a tropical vacation in December, so the plan is to get 3-4 waxes before the trip. While they were in the room taking turns getting waxed, one of them mentioned "D" day. I asked them what that referred to. They said that was what they called the last day they were allowed to shave.

A woman went to her high school reunion. I imagine it was around her 20Th. There was an eligible man that she started flirting with. She asked him if he preferred hard wood or floor mats. Since she is a client of mine, you know what answer she was hoping for.

A girl skipped her class to come get a wax because her boyfriend told her that her hair was starting to tickle. Can't have that.

Ever hear of the expression "F.U.P.A.?" Someone used that acronym at the salon and I had never heard of it before. Guess it stands for Fat Upper Pussy Area. Always learning...

New girl came in for a wax before heading to Jamaica for her first ever all inclusive vacation with her boyfriend of 4 years. I asked her if she expected a proposal. She said that he better not, because she knows he won't get it right. She is convinced that the ring will not fit and she'll lose it.

Supposed to be an Indian Summer kind of day today. You know you can't have a hairy snatch on a sunny day. Call me.

Don't you think the v-j-jay is a playful way to refer to your vagina?

This is too good not to share.

A single woman in her forties that has been a regular at Mark & M.E. for nearly a decade found out a few months ago that one of her best friends had terminal cancer. Within a few weeks she made reservations to fly down South to see her, but the friend died a few days before this woman was scheduled to arrive. She flew down anyways to help the husband with the arrangements. This was the 2ND wife this fifty three year old man had buried as a result of cancer. When my client arrived at their home, she found out that her girlfriend had left her a gift. She had written her husband and my client letters. The letters said that she wanted to give her friend and her husband to one another. She loved her husband and she loved her friend and didn't want to see either one of them alone and believed they could be very happy together.

My client is moving today.

A lady was complaining about the fact that we even have pubic and rectal hair. Well, I have a theory. Back in cave man days, the folks didn't wear underwear. They'd squat down by the fire or to gather berries and the hair was there to protect their precious parts. OK, so then why do we still have hair down there since we have evolved into such sophisticated creatures who aren't squatting by fires bare assed? It's obvious to me. So Mary Elizabeth can have something to do.

Quote of the week (so far). As I am applying the wax to a woman's labia she said... "this feels like it's not going to feel very good."

About a year or two ago my husband saw an ad in one of our professional magazines for a product to help numb the skin before you wax. He had been talking about creating a product like this for years because waxing can hurt and, in this day and age, it does seem a little barbaric to put ourselves through the torture. Well, although I am sorry that Mark didn't patent a creme so that we could possibly retire at a younger age, he did discover one that we could sell to those of you who need a little help. It is called "no scream cream."

A girl came in for a Brazilian. It was her second time. In most cases, the second time is easier and less painful so it allows me to ramble about whatever crazy stuff is in my mind at that moment. Anyways, I asked her what her fiance thought about the whole "bald thing." She told me that the only thing he was capable of saying was ....."wow."

Don't let the whole wax process intimidate you. It's like having a baby. It worth it when it's over.

It's more fun when they can find it.

I woke up this morning thinking that this whole "hose down your hoo-ha" thing was kind of negative. Believe me, it's an appropriate title, but I am not a negative person. In fact, I tend to be a really happy, vivacious kind of lady, so I think I have an idea. I don't know if it's my years of being an elementary school teacher or due to the fact that I have always loved making up rhymes and songs for my kids, but I love catchy phrases that rhyme. Since the whole point of a Brazilian is to make a woman feel more confident about her body and hopefully encourage more fulfilling sexual experiences, I am thinking about referring to my manuscript as "The Happy Hoo-Ha."

We accept last minute calls for appointments as well as walk in's because I am able to wax so quickly. So when one of my regulars called yesterday to come in at 4, we were happy to accomodate her.
Earlier that day, she told me she had taken a nap. When she woke up, her fiance asked her if she wanted to go to the gym. She said she'd love to. While she was getting ready, he told her that he trimmed the hedges while she was sleeping. The lawn reference reminded her that she needed a wax so she told him she couldn't go to the gym because she needed to trim her hedges as well.

"Roll on your right and lift your left cheek." I say this dozens of times every day. Probably 1/3 of my ladies roll on their left. It's understandable though. Even if you don't have directional confusion, I am convinced that all the blood goes between the legs and away from the brain for a few minutes. One lady that rolled onto her right and lifted her cheek said "this just ain't right." Yea, I admit that it's pretty messed up.

I don't call you and tell you to make an appointment with me. Not only do you make the call, you drive yourself to Mt. Hope Ave and voluntarily walk into the salon to see me. So why do you put your foot against my back and try to push me away, close your legs while I am applying the wax to make everything even messier and stickier, or try to cover your parts with your clothes? Fighting me does not help. It makes the service take so much longer and the more you fight me, the greater your risk of bruising and irritating your skin. I am really fast and really thorough. Play by the rules.

I know that the monthly expense of a wax can be trying sometimes, but have you ever thought about asking your man to contribute? You'd be surprised how fast he reaches into his back pocket.

Thank God my husband is a confident man, because his wife spends an awful lot of time obsessing over pussies.

Silicone boobs. A snatch as smooth as silicone. All good.

I was sitting by a public pool noticing all the rashy bikini lines on women who obviously don't know about the the numerous perks of waxing. Thank goodness I am out of town or I may have felt compelled to start handing my business cards out. I'm sorry but diaper rash bikini lines is not attractive.

Stayed at a hotel last night that had the best apparatus for cleaning your cootch. A hose with a powerful shower head that was perfect for power washing all of a woman's cracks and crevices. May need to install one of these bad boys at Mark & M.E.

A boyfriend told his girl "I'm so happy you started waxing, because when you used to shave it, I'd get soft."

Thank you to all of the women who share my blog with their men. Yesterday a woman told me she started reading it to her husband, and he actually now reads it himself. It's great to hear of couples having conversations about pussies. Better communication means better sex. And I also hope that all this networking will help me find a literary agent. Remember, I have an 11 chapter book all about pussies just waiting to be published...

When a girl told me she didn't need a wax because she didn't have a boyfriend, my response was simple. It's like wearing clean underwear in case you're in an accident. You should always be prepared.

I think Hallmark should set aside a day to honor the hoo-ha.

Someone came to the salon for a wax and told me right off the bat that she was surprised by what I look like. Although my photo is on the website and on this blog, it is possible that she hadn't seen either one. For those of you who don't know what I look like, I am a white woman of unknown descent, average size, pleasant looking I guess, 45 years old, with a big smile and varying hair colors. Hope that takes some of the mystery out of it.

Not only do women have pet names for their puss, they have pet names for getting waxed. One of my girls began referring to her appointments with me as getting her snatch waxed, which is a pretty common expression. Well, that expression evolved. Now when she makes an appointment with me, she and her husband refer to it as "getting her snacks."

It is very common for a woman's body to change after having a baby. There can be stretch marks or changes in the size and shape of the breasts. But the baby thing can also change the labia. It is kind of strange when the lips aren't as taut and youthful as they once were. In fact, one of my client's loves to piss and moan about her newly transformed mud flaps.

One of my regular clients told me that if she ever farts on me, it'll be the last time I ever see her.

My parents were really hard workers. They didn't believe in idle hands. My dad would do bookwork when he watched TV and my mom would cook or do laundry. Being productive was very important to them. So when a Romanian woman told me I gave her the best, most productive wax she has ever gotten, it made me smile. I waxed her legs, arms and Brazilian in 28 minutes and got it all. Yea, it felt productive.

Someone compared Mark & M.E. to the movie Steel Magnolias, because we are such a fun, family kind of salon that gets its energy from everybody's stories. We take that as a compliment. Thank you.

Embrace new experiences.

One of my clients went to a bachelorette party and gave the girls a lap dance lesson. During the lesson, the topic so near and dear to my heart came up. As it turns out, many of the girls at this party get waxed by me. I just wanted to thank everyone who brings my name up in conversation when discussing their beautifully bald beaves!

Love new clients. Woman came in yesterday because she heard I was the fastest waxer in the whole world.

The twat is tough
but also delicate
If you treat it right
it'll come in triplicate

The name of our salon, Mark & M.E. refers to me and my husband Mark. He does hair, I do hair removal. When you come in for a Brazilian, expect to get the whole sha-bang waxed. What that means is that I am going to wax your ass. My name is on the sign. I make the rules. You're not leaving with a bushy backside, so get over it.

I had a woman tell me that she thought getting waxed was very refreshing. I guess if you put the hand sanitizer on instead of the oil on your puss to clean up, you'd get that cool, peppermint patty kind of sensation. As long as you are good enough to eat, all is good.

There's a title in the book that I am trying to get published called "Bald At Any Age." The reality is this. You know you're getting old when your pubes start turning grey. And, believe me, when you find the first one, it's fucking traumatizing.

Just another reason to wax it all.

Started driving on a road trip this week and passed the town of Hornel. A new client drove from there to get her hoo-ha waxed by me for the first time. I couldn't believe how far it was from Rochester. That got me thinking about the 2 girls from Waterloo and the woman from Weedsport who also came in last week. Just wanted to say an extra thank you to everyone who travels that far to see me. It is very flattering and I promise I will continue to treat your pussies with the love and attention that they truly deserve.

Not a huge fan of the v jay jay, but when a girl has baby freckles on the inside of her lips, I gotta admit, they were kind of cute.

Owning a salon near a university is so much fun except that when the students graduate, many of them leave Rochester. It has been very common, however, for clients to drop by for a wax when they come to town. Face it, who else is able to rip them in 5 minutes?
This week one of my former clients came by with quite an overgrown bush. She told me her man wanted her to try the "natural look." Believe me, there was nothing natural about it.

A woman told me she went somewhere else for her first Brazilian and it took the technician 60 minutes to wax her and cost $95. I asked her if they gave her a happy ending because there is no excuse for it taking so long. She laughed and said there was nothing happy about the experience. When I commented that I didn't know which was more obscene, the hour or the money. She said the hour.

It is unbelievable how much hair a woman can grow around her rectum. Since it's tough to shave, it is often an area that has gone untouched for years, even decades. A new client came in and asked me to remove her cobwebs from her ass. And you know what? That's exactly what her ass hair looked like.

I had a dream last night that I was walking through a fine dining restaurant when I overheard an older man say "It's hard to be flippy when you're floppy." When he heard me laugh, I told him I thought he was funny and needed to blog what he said.

Wouldn't it be cool to clone your clean cootch?

A young couple come into the salon and tell me they have been dating since they were eleven. He asks permission to come into the room because it's her 1st time and she's really nervous. When we enter the room, he sits down. As soon as she gets on the table, she orders him to stand up and hold her hand. As I start waxing her, he lovingly rubs her head. After a few minutes, she gives him a threatening look and advises him that he's messing her hair. He says he's sorry but explains that he was just trying to comfort her. She says, "I don't care what you're trying to do. You're messing my hair!"

Getting a Brazilian does not make you a sexual deviant. However, if it makes you feel more deviant and you want to act upon those feelings...go for it!

It may sound barbaric this whole waxing thing, but it must be worth it if so many women are getting it done on a regular basis. One of my girls was so excited after she got her first wax that she pulled down her pants in the middle of her kitchen so she could show off "her girl" to her best friend who just happened to be a gay guy.

Hard to have fun on a slip-n-slide when it's dry and prickly.

When a husband tells his wife that he needs a weed whacker to get through her forest, then you know it is time for her to come see me. But when he continues the conversation by asking her if she needs him to call a landscaper, he needs to be slapped.

A woman was worried that I was going to wax her hemorrhoids. Trust me, darling, I don't want anything to do with those bad boys.

I admit that the wax scene in "40 Year Old Virgin" was absolutely hysterical. In fact, Mark & I were consuming a pitcher of Cosmos while watching it which made it even twice as funny. During my career as a wax technician, I have had clients act just as crazy on the table and there have been times when I wished that the clients were being filmed. I just wanted everyone to know that we are pretty tired of the Kelly Clarkson expression, however. That is just so old school.

Now we scream Adam Lambert.

I believe in the power of the pussy!

Some men scurry from things that are furry.

A married mother of three came in this week to get ripped. She had some pretty long hair and was in dire need of my services. She was excited to tell me something her husband had said to her. He told her that he was glad she was getting waxed because she was so beautiful down there that she could be a porn star. That's my kind of admiration.

It only hurts for a minute.

On Friday, a 34 week pregnant woman came in for a wax. She said she felt fat, hot, uncomfortable and hairy. She was a real trooper as I groomed her engorged lady parts. That night she delivered healthy twin girls. She left the sweetest message on my answering machine over the weekend thanking me for grooming her for the delivery. She said it made her feel a lot better. Just another example of my ability to spread joy, one vagina at a time.

Wool sweaters are gross when they are wet.

Okay, this is my 100Th post. Aren't you dying to know what all this buzz about a bald beave is really about?

Praise a Pretty Pussy!

A lint free set of lips get licked more.

You don't have to be young
To get this done.
Just give me five
And your puss will thrive!

Set a new personal record this week. Did my oldest client. She was 75.

One of my clients recently moved to the area and has been frustrated with this whole dating scene in Rochester. She finally met a great guy at church and things have been progressing beautifully over the past month. A few days ago, they were getting down and dirty and she abruptly told him that they had to wait a little longer. Well, of course they had to wait. She had pubic hair growing half way down her leg! She told me yesterday that she was so nervous that I might be out of town or not working, because she couldn't hold off much longer. Glad I was here for you girl.

I can understand getting brush burned during soccer, not during sex. Toss the razor.

Question of the week from a young brunette. Why does it look like the tips of my hair are white when they grow in? I'm not completely sure but it is not as uncommon as you may think. My thought is that since the hair comes in finer and thinner, the ends aren't as dense so therefore don't have the same amount of pigment in them. You aren't a freak and you aren't alone. I've seen it before. I like to tease and say that you have a highlighted hoo-ha. And no, I don't think you are going grey yet although it will turn grey at some point. Rest assured, you don't have an old pussy.

I am probably the most over educated wax tech you'll ever meet. Although I didn't need a Master's Degree to do this for a living, I think it makes it easier for me to talk to women from all sorts of backgrounds. And although I am diligent when it comes to keeping my sources anonymous, it may surprise you who has the most fascinating pussy stories or crazy sexual antidotes. I have a chapter in the book entitled "Crazy Shit People Tell Me" which regurgitates dozens of funny things that people have said to me over the years. All the blog entries, however, are new material.

A woman from a white collared profession asked me what the "No Scream Creme" was for. I told her it numbs the area to make it less painful when I wax. She said "No thank you! I don't want anything numbing my girl!"

I watch you undress. Skid marks on your panties makes me nervous about touching you naked.

I try hard not to pass judgement, but when your hair on your hoo-ha is long enough to braid...

Waxing is liberating. Kind of like going commando.

Would you rather play on stucco or silk? Stop shaving.

I thought going into the bush meant going to Australia.

Two sisters were in the room together and the one on the table said she couldn't take the pain. The sister not getting waxed asked her what she was going to do when she had a baby? She said that by the time she was ready, they'd have a new system.

Just a reminder. Tell your friends. A happy hoo-ha is a hair free hoo-ha.

It helps to have a little flexibility when I am trying to wax down under. A young girl with some very tight hamstrings said "I am not very flexible. I feel sorry for all the guys who try to have sex with me."

I asked a woman "when was the last time you had sex?"

She replied, "alone? or with someone else?"

OK new girl, you gave me a great blog yesterday when you told me your man prefers hardwood to Berber. Priceless!

In this unusually hot weather, please spend a little extra time primping your pussy before you come to see me.

Don't be scared. No one will judge you. Become a follower.

Even though a Brazilian refers to the removal of all the pubic & rectal hair, many women leave a landing strip. This is often done to help the men figure out where to land.

In the 1970's a pretty racy book that included illustrations was written called the "Joy of Sex." Back then, pubic grooming wasn't common. It was a more natural era.

A girl came into the room and before she even undressed, she said it had been a couple months since she had been in and she apologized for her Joy of Sex.

Don't ever feel weird or embarrassed about getting undressed in front of me. I've seen it all. For example, now that I have become so busy, I have more ladies who are obese. It's a lot easier for me to get to their parts and I am glad to give them that same sexy feeling between their legs that we all love.

There have been a few instances, however, where I haven't been able to get to a woman's hoo-ha due to her size. About a month ago, I had a woman bring her sister in the room with her for moral support. Fortunately, her sister was able to hold her thighs apart for me so I could wax her thoroughly, because there was no way I was going to be able to do it without some help. I couldn't have done it without her and, happy to say, the woman left with a beautifully bald beave.

It's all about a happy ending.

Brazilians make you feel cleaner and that's important, especially if you have an active sex life.

One of my clients told me she doesn't like to have dirty sex. Some kind of clean up should follow each round. No leftovers. Agreed.

Twat is fun to say.

Getting a Brazilian can make things much more comfortable between your legs. A long distance runner is so happy that she found me that she told one of her running buddies that she has to go to Brazil.

There are certain parts that don't hurt quite as much.

Loved it when a girl told me she "wished it all felt like the ass."

I am usually fairly polite when asking to wax your backside. But sometimes when I am busy, I become much more casual in my demeanor. So when I asked a girl to "give me your ass" and she says "what does that mean.....exactly?" I realize I should remain polite and be more descriptive when asking a woman to roll on her side so I can put hot wax between her butt cheeks.

When there are skin tabs or moles underneath your pubic hair, I don't always see them. Sometimes when I wax over them, they tear around the edges. I have even removed a few. And since that area is so vascular, they tend to bleed and bleed.

One of my clients called her moles angel kisses. I call them a pain in the ass.

I've been called lots of names over the years. But the "pube Nazi" is a first.

We are all about group waxing experiences at the salon. Since we basically all have the same parts, what's the difference? So the last time I had 4 women in the room together, one of the girls was so nervous and resistant, she had a girlfriend on each side of her holding her legs for me.

It's Sunday morning and I just remembered that one of my clients told me that she likes to sit with her husband on Sunday mornings and read my blog entries for the week. How cool is that?

Got kicked pretty hard on the side of my face by a strong foot with a shoe on it this week. It was my not so subtle reminder that waxing is a contact sport.

So a boyfriend sits down at his girl's computer and starts to type in something and my blog popped up. He asked her what the hell this was, and she told him it was something her waxer had written. He read some of it and thought it was pretty funny. Later on, he wanted to know more about the "hoo-ha hoe-down" thing. Alternative title?

If you have bushes on your backside too, I'm here for you.

If it's itchy and smelly, then it's time.

When I'm looking at your hoo-ha, I don't think of it as a sexual organ. It's just a body part with some nasty hair on it. As one of my clients so profoundly put it, it's like an elbow.

And no one has ever peed on me either. Just lots of farting.

Best question this week. Has anyone ever "cum" on me? Now would that be fucking awkward or what?

Happy to say, no.

Hi gang! Please remember I'm on the hunt for an agent to help me publish my book on hoo-ha's. So if anyone knows somebody......

A woman who was long overdue for a wax had her leg in the air when her 3 year old ran to the foot of the bed, looked at her hairy vagina, and exclaimed "oh that's yucky!" Priceless.

One of our regulars came in for a wax even though she doesn't have a man. She wanted to get a Brazilian in case she fell on a penis. When we asked if that happened often, she said "sometimes I fall on a whole bag of penises!"

Saw my first rectal hematoma. That was kind of cool.

Bald is beautiful.

A woman told me her husband gave me an A+ after inspecting my work for a long time and not being able to find any strays. He also told her that she should continue coming to me since I do such a great job. It's so rewarding being a good student. I'd like to say thanks to the hubby for the compliment.

I've heard lots of horror stories about how other technicians are performing Brazilians. One of my graduating students is freaking out about who is going to "wax her vag."

All I can say is good luck with that.

So let's be real. Why do we do it? It hurts. It's embarrassing. It's weird. I'll tell you why.

Because sex is better.

Hey ladies, have you shown your guys my blog?

They love any talk about pussies.

Globs of dried blood at the entrance of your hoo-ha don't make me a happy waxer.

A new client came into the room with a friend for their first time wax. I try to make it obvious that I don't care at all what size, shape or color you are. Never have, never will. Not my way. This girl made a very perceptive remark about how I approach this whole naked body, hair ripping thing. She referred to my wax room as a non-judgement area. Exactly. And thank you.

If you think you are the hairiest I've ever seen, trust me, I've seen worse.

Someone told me that "pubic hair is unnecessary."

Agreed.

Always seeking more clients and always interested in how people find me. You know, there are a lot of hairy people out there that really need me.

Had a new client come to me because I was a topic of discussion at a sex toy party. How cool is that?

This morning I woke up feeling like I was hit by a bus. Funny thing, the bus was a cute, 115 pound black girl with a coarse, dense, and resistant Afro between her legs. But that wasn't the biggest problem. She seemed to think that waxing was a contact sport. Holding down a squirming body while trying to effectively rip off her pubic hair was not a good time. But I did it. I won this wrestling match.

Just wanted to give new girls a heads up. I find pubic hair to be quite disgusting. If you come in for a regular bikini wax, nine times out of ten you will leave with a Brazilian.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

My niece had a great idea for an alternate name for the book. "Don't Buzz Your Beaver!" Love it.

Did you know that girls let their pubic hair get long on purpose? It's a way of keeping themselves from sleeping around. Some of my girls refer to it as their security blanket.

A new client came in yesterday and said she was taking a trip to Baltimore with some friends when one of the friends started reading some of my blogs off her IPhone. Knowing that people are enjoying the blog and are sharing it with others has me so psyched. After hearing how I write, this girl figured she wouldn't be the worst case I've ever seen. It also made her feel more comfortable to come to me for a Brazilian. How cool is that?

It is really difficult coming up with a name for a book that you have put thousands of hours into and hope will one day be published. I've remained pretty dedicated to "Hose Down Your Hoo-Ha, " however, because every person I tell the name to laughs. I have entertained several others as well. For a short while, the book was entitled "Spruce Your Cootch."

Sometimes hairy can be really scary.

One of my clients couldn't afford to get waxed so she started shaving about a year ago. Then she began having a problem with ingrown hairs. There were two areas on the bikini line where the ingrown hairs had gotten swollen and painful. When she went to her gynecologist to have them looked at, he immediately sent her to the emergency room. Her ingrown hairs had developed into abscesses and the infection was so bad that it traveled throughout her body. They had to lance the areas to remove the hairs and some of the infection. She had to stay in the hospital overnight and get a strong dosage of IV antibiotics administered to her in order to kill the infection. After she left the hospital, she was put on antibiotics four times a day to make sure the infection was cleared. She has decided that she will figure out a way to pay for waxing since it now appears to be a medical necessity.

I told you shaving was evil.

And what do you call a person who waxes Brazilians for a living?

Today I was called a pussy ripper.

And if you have to cheat on me, remember to ask the salon how long it takes. Anything longer than 20 minutes, run for the hills.

I understand that when you move out of town , you have to cheat on me.

Yesterday a girl called to tell us about her experience at another salon. The technician used small strips (like the one's we use for your upper lip or brow) which makes the service take a million times longer. And, believe me, you want this over as quickly as possible. But the funny part is that the technician made her hold a Popsicle stick over the opening of her cootch.

Now that's just fucked up.

There are bowls of candy around the salon to reward you when you behave and don't kick me in the head or fart in my face. It is also there to keep your children amused or to bribe them to behave while you are getting your wax. Finally, the sugar in candy can help when you feel light headed from the pain. Chewing on candy during the actual Brazilian service, however, is not recommended. Under the right circumstance, hard candy, even for adults, can be a chokable.

There is always a slight possibility of passing out.

So don't forget to breathe.

There is an old song that I think Tom Jones sang and it starts out with the phrase "pussy cat, pussy cat, I love you..."

A young girl walks into the room to get waxed and as she starts to undress, that song begins to play. She starts laughing hysterically and commented that it was quite an appropriate song to be playing while she got her pussy waxed.

Did you ever see the movie "Home Alone" when the kid puts the after shave on his face and screams because it burns? That's what happens when you don't pay attention and use the hand sanitizer that I leave on the clean up station on your cootch instead of your hands.

If my man couldn't get it up even with the little blue pill......I'd get a new man.

A client told me "you better not put anything about my fat ass in your blog!"

Whoops. I just did.

If you want to be part of the "clean cootchie club" you need to get it done every 4-6 weeks.

Had a woman in today who wanted to stretch it out closer to her vacation.

Ten weeks is too long.

I only do Brazilians on women. Men can have some dense hair that is a bitch to pull out. Besides, the scrotum is too thin and it tends to tear. Enough said.

After all these years, I have become very tolerant of gross stuff. In fact, I sometimes feel like a doctor with the weird things I have seen and amateurishly diagnosed.

So another occupational hazard is the whole menstrual cycle. Twice this week, I had women get their period while they were in the table. Don't feel bad, just another thing I have learned to shrug off.

Listen up ladies. If you have never had a Brazilian, I have to warn you that it isn't like getting a back rub. The feeling can range from slightly uncomfortable to fucking excruciating. Regardless of how it feels and how well you tolerate pain, stop fighting me! I am tired of you closing your legs, covering your parts with your hand when its covered in wax, and pushing your leg against my torso hoping I'll just go away or fall over. Once you've made the decision to get it done, suck it up. Be cooperative and stop whining. No matter how hard you resist, I will finish the service. And, believe me, the less you fight me, the quicker it's over.

A girl came in today with hair from hell. It was coarse, thick, dense. Reminded me of a Brillo pad. It was a total bitch trying to get the hair off her lips. The wax just seemed to sit on top of the hair and laugh at me. It wasn't budging. The hot wax was just soaking up the hair and not even remotely making contact with the skin so I could pull it effectively from the roots. With a lot of perseverance and a fair amount of swear words, however, I finally got her bald.
It was then that I did a little happy dance and told her I was feeling cocky because I won the battle with her pubes. She thought that was an appropriate adjective to accompany a Brazilian. I would have to agree.

OK, this is the deal. Naked bodies, no matter what the shape, size...whatever.... don't scare me. My goal is to make everyone bald as a newborn. It really is a good thing....better sex....better hygiene. I have 2 college students that have been coming to me for a couple years. They always come into the room together. I try as hard as I can to make each client feel as comfortable as possible when they come in for a Brazilian. I know it can be weird getting undressed from the waist down and laying down in front of me as I proceed to put hot wax on your genitalia and then rip it off like some sadistic bitch. In my opinion, we basically all have the same parts and I try to give it as little thought as possible to the actual body part I am focusing on. Anyways, these college girls made an insightful observation. The service is uncomfortable only if you make it that way. I'm not uncomfortable with your hairy naked body, so you shouldn't be.

A gentleman friend of mine told me he was kind of happy that his girlfriend lived out of town because he could take a break from grooming his member. He finds shaving a pain and when it grows in, it tends to itch like crazy. So even though he misses her, he is enjoying the break from manicuring his manhood.

Shaving does lead to break outs, rash, ingrown hairs, and even pain. This is why we have dedicated ourselves to this whole waxing thing. Shaving is evil.

Two college aged girls came together for a wax. I was really busy so I said, "let's go, get naked, hop on the table." The one girl called me bossy. I have a no-nonsense approach to this whole Brazilian thing and I hate dilly dallying. This is definitely not a service I want to leisurely perform. She had been to the salon before, but it was her first time with me. I told her, "Look. Vagina on. Vagina off. This is something I'd rather not linger over."
In less than ten minutes, they were both completely bald.
As I was leaving the room, they professed their devotion to me. Being bossy isn't being mean. It is how I show I care.

There are millions of women going through the barbaric service of waxing their entire hoo-ha for their men. Ok guys, take a look in the mirror. We want you to groom as well. But we do have some rules. You need to keep up with it. If you shave to the skin, do it daily. A five o'clock shadow doesn't feel good between our legs whether it's coming from your face or your junk. And if you take a clipper to it, don't go too short, because that pisses off our skin as well. We want smooth faces & smooth private places. Lesson over.

A woman came in today who was really unsure about whether or not I was honestly comfortable waxing someone when she has her period. So when I approached her in the waiting area, she asked me if I was really OK with it being corked. Took me a second to figure out what she was referring to, and then I laughed because I loved the expression and I had never heard it before.

Believe me, sometimes it is more hygienic when it is plugged up. So, yes, I am OK if you have a cork in it.

You think I'm jacked from weight lifting? No. That ain't it.

Try ripping out massive amounts of dense pubic hair in one big swipe. That'll do it.

So a girl hops on the table and starts giggling even before I touched her. Laughing is a common response when a woman is nervous about getting a wax. Her laughter was so infectious that it was hard not to laugh with her. I asked her if she laughed like that during sex.

Her reply, "only if his penis is small."

Ever wonder why I ask you to hold your leg while I wax your lips?

Because I am tired of getting kicked in the head!

A lady calls and says she didn't know if she should cancel her appointment because she had just gotten her period. My husband told her to put a fresh tampon in when she got to the shop and I'd be happy to do her.
When she started undressing, she asked me if I knew she had called. I hadn't. Women call all the time wondering if I can wax them during their cycle. I told her as long as she was plugged up, we were good.
So she undressed, hopped up on the table, and told me that she never wore tampons.

It shouldn't surprise anyone that a lot of swearing goes on during a wax service. Some of the sweetest, most conservative women can swear like truck drivers. Women even swear in other languages. That always makes me laugh. Many women apologize because they get embarrassed when they scream obscenities, but I always try to reassure them that it is very common and doesn't bother me at all. I even read a blurb in a magazine that said swearing can help you cope with pain better. So swear away, my virgin ears can take it.
And, for the record, fuck is the number one swear word that I hear when I wax someone.

There's a really long chapter in my book about hygiene. It's called "what's that smell?" When you are dealing with genitalia, it's vital that the area you are working on is clean. Therefore, if I am waxing your backside and I pull the strip off and there is brown residue all over the strip, you seriously do not understand how to properly cleanse yourself prior to a wax. Bowel movements and Brazilians should be two totally distinctive, unrelated events. Get it?

Every week I have at least one married woman come in to get a wax for her boyfriend. Doesn't matter to me who you are waxing for. Just a bummer more people aren't having mind blowing sex with their husbands.

A friend of mine suggested I post a pic of myself for those of you who wonder what I look like. Fortunately my daughter knew how to do this. I think she found an appropriate picture for this blog, but I was disappointed that I couldn't add a caption to it.

So, if you're interested, scroll down to the right to see the pic.

And, if I could, I'd like the caption to say..."you never know what you'll find down there!"

We are very kid friendly at our salon. For most salon services, it doesn't really matter if the client has a child with them. It can be awkward, however, when a mom comes in for a Brazilian and has a child with her. Usually we leave the kids downstairs with my husband or a staff member. Occasionally, children do come in the room with their mom. Unless the child is poorly behaved, I could care less.
Today a lady came in with her son & daughter. I offered them some puzzles to play with and showed them a place on the first floor to hang out while I took their mom upstairs. I asked her what her kids thought she was doing at the salon. She told them I was helping her with her groin injury.
Close enough.

I spent a lot of time coming up with the title of the book, and since most people laugh when I tell them the title, I think it was a good choice. I also put a lot of thought into the chapter titles. I do not mean to be disrespectful to any man that I have ever waxed, but, for the most part, men do not tolerate the waxing procedure as well as their female counterpart. That is why my chapter on men is called "guys are the real pussies."

My clients keep me updated on what is trendy or hip. My life is too busy to browse through girly magazines to keep up with the changes in fashion or behaviors. I hear about all sorts of popular trends like hair styles, nail polish colors, verbal expressions, text abbreviations, types of birth control.... And every once in awhile, I am surprised by what I learn.

So since when did "anal become the new oral?"

So I am probably the fastest wax tech around. I can make some girls completely bald in 3-4 minutes. No kidding....no strays.... I have also been called all sorts of interesting names. A couple months ago a lady came to me for the 1st time. It was her 2ND Brazilian ever. Her first experience with someone else lasted almost an hour. She was pretty surprised that it took me less than 10 minutes. She had some female problems which lead to some slight bruising on her bikini line after I finished the service. The day after she got waxed by me, she went to her gynecologist. Since she was scheduling a surgery, he was concerned about how fragile her skin was in that area. So he asked her who the person was that waxed her. She said Zorro. He told her to tell Zorro to slow down.

There is a reason I named the book "Hose Down Your Hoo-Ha." After this week, I am tempted to change it to "Power Wash Your Pussy!" Get the hint?

People have all sorts of pet names for their v-jay-jays. In fact, I have written an entire chapter in my book about the different names that I have heard over the years. What you don't hear much about are names for the rectum. So I was excited when a client told me her girlfriend calls her anus the "brown starfish." After years of looking at assholes, I was thoroughly amused by that description. It's more appropriate then you may think.

I love hearing about the different things men say to encourage their women to come see me. One husband told his wife that he wished she'd do something with her enchanted forest. I told her there was nothing enchanting about the huge, overgrown bush that was between her legs.

Occasionally women scream when they get waxed. After all these years, what's a little screaming? In most cases, it's pretty amusing. But when a woman reaches in her purse to grab a sock to carry to the waxing table, one has to wonder what is going on. And when she gets on the table and says she is ready as she puts the sock in her mouth, it's impossible not to laugh.

A new client comes in and tells me she is terrified. I immediately start in with my uplifting banter to put her at ease. After the first rip, she says "this is excruciating!" I said, "no sweety, you used the wrong "e" word. It's exhilarating." She says, "No it's not. It's fucking excruciating." I replied, "no, it's fucking exhilarating." She started to laugh. At this point, I was almost done. Three more rips, and she was off the table.

So this is how this whole Brazilian thing works. A woman enters the room, gets naked from the waist down, hops up on a massage table, & spreads her legs. Then I spread hot wax all over her genitalia and rip as fast and as furious as possible. This service almost always includes some squirming, yelling, obsenities and even some interesting name calling. The upside of the whole experience is that it is over in less than ten minutes and the client is left bald as a newborn.

hoo-ha talk

"Now it smells better down there." When a 300 pound woman exclaims that this is the best part about getting a Brazilian, then what can I say?

Hose Down Your Hoo-Ha

I've written a book about my experiences as a Brazilian Wax Technician that I'm trying to get published. I thought I'd share some bits and pieces with the public to prove to the publishing world that there is an enormous interest in this topic. Think about it....there are naked women in a room together and their encounter includes some pain, embarrassment and some outrageous coversation. I have found that when you have your hands between someone's legs and are spreading their lips apart, they are more prone to tell you intimacies that they may never tell another soul.

For example.....a girl turns on her side, lifts up her cheek so I can wax her rectum and admits that she just did it in the ass for the first time and really liked it.

stay tuned for more...